{"id":106,"date":"2023-07-06T19:02:55","date_gmt":"2023-07-06T19:02:55","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/faithfulandflourishing.org\/staging\/9315\/2023\/07\/06\/mothering-the-strong-willed-child\/"},"modified":"2024-01-08T03:33:23","modified_gmt":"2024-01-08T03:33:23","slug":"mothering-the-strong-willed-child","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/faithfulandflourishing.org\/staging\/9315\/blog\/mothering-the-strong-willed-child\/","title":{"rendered":"Mothering the Strong-Willed child"},"content":{"rendered":"\n
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I want to preface this by saying that I love my sweet little girl so very, very much! Unfortunately, when it comes to motherhood posts, I do not have the luxury to say, \u201cOut of all my children, I had one that was\u2026\u201d When I talk about my child, there\u2019s only one to choose from so everyone knows who I\u2019m talking about. Because of that, I want to be very, very careful what I say and how I say it. BUT most of us mamas probably have that one child who takes naughty to the next level.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Difficult children are not always fun to be around. In general they can be selfish, stubborn, mean, annoying, frustrating, and basically any other disagreeable word you can put on that list. And not only that, but their faults are GLARING. They wear their character flaws like crazy bright clothing\u2014they can\u2019t be missed, especially in public! Yes, we love them, but honestly, at times, they can be really, REALLY hard to like. One of the hardest truths to swallow, is that, if they\u2019re viewed like that by their own parents, they are viewed like that by pretty much everyone else in their lives. But hear this loud and clear, and remember it on the hardest of days…that strong, impossible will may seem like a curse, but if we can figure out how to channel it in the right direction, it may turn out to be one of the biggest blessings of our lives.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Just remember you are NOT ALONE. Sometimes, it gets to feeling like your child is the worst kid in the whole entire world\u2026at least the worst child in the entire church. Selfishly, you may feel relieved to finally see someone else\u2019s child acting just as naughty as your own. Not gonna lie, it is SO DISCOURAGING. You work and pray and work and pray, and six years later, you are still working and praying over the SAME EXACT THINGS! But every single time I go through a \u201cseason\u201d like this, and I find I\u2019m at the end of myself begging God to \u201cjust please do it because I can\u2019t take it anymore,\u201d I find He points things out in MY OWN life that I need to change first.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

So let’s take The Motherhood Heart Check.<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n

1. Comparison?<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

This is one that is a CONSTANT struggle. Too often my eyes can start looking around at everyone else\u2019s kids and I start thinking, \u201cIf only my kid acted like that!\u201d I have to constantly remind myself that God wired this child just the way she is for a specific purpose, and her daddy and I have got to figure out how to turn this ‘in control” personality trait into an amazing strength rather than a crippling weakness!<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

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\u201c…or we can choose to make it the most beautiful purple flower we have ever seen!\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

I like to imagine a child like a flower. We can water and weed and prune and nurture so that the flower buds and blooms and grows to it’s fullest potential. But if that flower comes up purple when all we really want is pink, what can we do about it? Well, I suppose we could sit around and have a bad attitude about what color it is and make life miserable for everyone around us including the flower, or we can choose to make it the most beautiful purple flower we have ever seen! <\/strong>Each one of our flowers, before they were ever born, were created to have a specific color\u2014a specific temperament. The best thing we can do is to accept the fact that God made this child with this way for a reason, and figure out how to help him reach his fullest potential with the temperament God gave him.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

You\u2019ve heard the saying, \u201cComparison is the thief of joy.\u201d Well, it\u2019s true in child rearing too. Start looking around at all the \u201cgood\u201d kids around you, start wishing your kid was as good as that kid, and you\u2019ll start being unsatisfied and ungrateful and nit-picky with the child God gave to YOU.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

2. Lack of Faith?<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Sometimes in this motherhood journey, it is so incredibly easy to get bogged down with a certain child\u2019s behavior right now in the present. Frustration arises when we administer consequences and work on the same things over and over and over\u2026AND OVER again, and there is NO CHANGE. We expect results RIGHT NOW. We dealt with this behavior, and now it should be gone.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When E was around 18 months old, she started throwing several temper tantrums every single day, and they progressively got worse and worse for three weeks. I faithfully \u201crestrained\u201d her through them, but I thought they would never end! What is wrong with my child? I read in a book once that if you deal with tempers the moment they start, you\u2019ll never have to deal with them again! EARTH TO ME, basically no children in the whole wide world are \u201cby the book.\u201d Just after a few days I was mentally drained and exhausted. It was torture. (And not to be a discouragement to you, but all these years later, after faithfully restraining and correcting and praying, and dealing with the same things over and over again, that temper is still there although the tantrums play out a little bit differently these days. And all these years later, I\u2019m still asking the same questions: \u201cWhat is wrong with my child? Why is she not responding to the discipleship, the correction, the nurturing?! What are we doing wrong?!\u201d)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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It seems like God has to bring us to these “I can’t” points in motherhood to remind us that it is not about US raising our children, it\u2019s about HIM. It\u2019s when we finally throw our hands up, and say, \u201cOk God, I\u2019m sorry for trying to do this in my own strength. Here you go. Take her back. You have to do it.\u201d Now we\u2019re finally getting somewhere.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It was during that temper tantrum season that I claimed Galatians 6:9 as my parenting a difficult child verse and have never let go! \u201cAnd let us not be weary in well doing: for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not.\u201d What is more physically draining and exhausting than mothering a stubborn child who will not give in?! Boy, do I want to faint sometimes! But in due season (as in 18 years down the road!), if I keep pushing along, keep faithfully training and nurturing, she IS going to turn out all right. As my husband always likes to remind me, \u201cShe will be ok.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/div>

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You see, parenting takes faith\u2014SERIOUS faith. In nine and a half years, sometimes I feel like I\u2019ve not seen any fruit in my labors. In fact, if I\u2019m being honest, some things seem to have gotten worse over the years, not better. But someday, God is going to do it\u2014He’s going to change her if I cling in faith to God\u2019s Word (and obey it)\u2014even when I\u2019m not seeing immediate results.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

3. Letting their behavior effect MY attitude?<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Here is one I struggle with because after a good solid week (or three) of going through the ringer with one particular child, I tend to become a Debbie Downer. It\u2019s hard to always live in faith like mentioned earlier, and always cling to the the \u201csomeday\u201d when all we want is just to see some small change RIGHT NOW. Is that too hard to ask?! Just an eensy teensy little tiny change please? But no, nothing, just continual teaching, training, correcting, and so on, with little to show for it. And then all the angry thoughts come\u2014the frustration, the bitterness, the questioning. Why God? Why is this child so defiant, so stubborn? She uses up all my physical, mental and emotional strength! Why!? (Cringe, as I remember myself as a child.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And then the grudge cloud comes. Yes truly, a real grudge at a 9-year-old, that puts a cloud over family relationships. It sounds so dumb writing it all out, and yet sometimes it comes\u2014this grudge against a child who is rocking our \u201chappy family life\u201d boat, causing shame and embarrassment, frustration, and tension.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It\u2019s when I start feeling like this, I know it\u2019s time to take a look at my heart. Where am I wrong? What needs to change? Children typically reflect that attitudes of their parents, and I find when I am dealing with my child out of frustration and anger, even if it doesn\u2019t show, she will in turn respond in the same way. It becomes a bitter cycle that continues on and on until someone has a \u201cCome to Jesus\u201d moment.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Stepping away, taking time with God, asking for His strength to get over this hump\u2014it usually makes all the difference in the world! An attitude adjustment is usually exactly what I need to keep pressing on.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

4. Failing to see the potential in your child?<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

God gave this child to you because He wanted YOU to raise him. He could have put their unique personality into a different family, but He chose YOU. This baffles me! (Side note, I am not ignoring the role of daddy here, but this post is about motherhood.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

One thing that is difficult about a strong-willed child is that their character flaws are so glaring, that it takes really, really hard work to find the good. We are tempted to rail on them for all their wrongs (and there\u2019s a lot), but then we fail to look for the good. Can you imagine having all of your annoying faults pointed out all day every day, and never ever getting praised for something you did right?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Everyone sees the glaring bad in her\u2026because it\u2019s so obvious. Her sin is not hiding beneath the surface. It boils over and bubbles out. She is hard to like\u2014in plain English, people don\u2019t like her. And because of the glaring bad, the little bit of good usually gets overlooked by EVERYBODY. And get this, even themselves. Stubborn children KNOW their struggles, and they often beat themselves up over it. \u201cI\u2019m so wicked! I\u2019m so terrible! I can\u2019t do right even if I try! I don\u2019t even want to live anymore because I\u2019m so bad!\u201d So not only are you dealing with their stubborness, you are often left wondering how to deal with their mental responses to their own behavior as well. But even in the midst of all the exasperation of this one particular child, sometimes they are sweet too. And it\u2019s SO IMPORTANT to point this out!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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\u201c\u201cI saw the angel in the marble and carved until I set him free.\u201d\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

\u2014 Michelangelo<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But WHO WILL POINT OUT THE GOOD IN YOUR DIFFICULT CHILD IF YOU DON\u2019T MAMA?<\/strong> (Oh, this makes me cry every time I think of it!) If YOU, their very own mother, cannot find the potential in your child, who will? Yes, they\u2019re so naughty you want to pull your hair out, hide in the bathroom, give someone else a chance to raise them to see if they\u2019ll do a better job. But at the end of the exhausting Sunday, when everyone and their mother has seen how blatantly naughty our child is, and we are at our wit\u2019s end, WHO IS LEFT to say, \u201cYes, you struggled today, yes you have to receive a consequence for the way you behaved, but you know what? God has a special plan for you, and He is going to take all of your brokenness and sin, and he is going to take that amazing strong will you have, and he\u2019s going to use you in a great way someday!\u201d? Who is going to say that? It\u2019s us, mamas! Aside from God, we are the only ones (and daddy) who can look deep into our child\u2019s heart and find the good and praise them for the right. Oh, the ugly is easy to spot, it doesn\u2019t need pointed out, but the sweetness\u2026it\u2019s somewhere deep down, and it just needs a mama to notice it and praise it and draw it out!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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You’ve heard that people live what they believe. If you’re always railing on your difficult child about how frustrating, annoying and naughty they are, they will believe it and they will live it. Dwelling on their weaknesses can shut down their potential. <\/strong>So look for the good and point it out. Praise them even for the smallest of things. And just maybe they will start believing it and living it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Michelangelo said, “I saw the angel in the marble and carved until I set him free.” Does that not sum up motherhood? Especially mothering a difficult child? Your child needs you to find that angel and carve and carve and carve until he is “set free!”<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Raising a strong-willed child is a difficult task.<\/strong> Raising any child is a difficult task. But God can equip us to get the job done properly if we first make sure our own hearts are right!<\/p>\n<\/div><\/div>\n\n\n\n

Practical Takeaways:<\/h4>\n\n\n\n